Imperfect Parenting

I was always curious about not only who my children would become, but who they were at any given moment, independent of me or my “help.”

That is not to say that some of the time I didn’t feel bored or stifled by the day-to-day reality of raising my children. I was fascinated by the process, but I did not feel the need to idolize or idealize my kids or the process of parenting.

There were times when I just felt so tugged at and stressed, and I felt that I needed to assert myself into the equation that was our family. It wasn’t all about the children. It couldn’t be. For instance, after some years of driving them to this practice or that event, there were moments when I said, “Sorry, if you want to go you’ll have to find a way to get there yourself.”

If I hadn’t been working full time maybe I wouldn’t have felt that way, but I also felt it wasn’t my duty to figure out every little thing for my child. I knew they were capable and talented, and so I had more invested in them learning how to become independent than in facilitating every last thing they wanted to be involved in. It was just impossible for me.

So I didn’t attend every game, every performance or every ceremony. I wasn’t a PTA mother or a den leader or a coach. And yes, that did cause hurt feelings, and I did feel like a “bad mother” when my children felt let down by things I couldn’t or wouldn’t do. It took some explaining and some apologizing, but who among us does this parenting thing perfectly? Perfection is not possible nor desirable, and the more often we can let that impulse go, the more joy we will find in our family relationships.

Trusting our children and letting go.

As someone trained in fine arts, I had a built in belief about the cliché of “the starving artist”. Regrettably, that “starving artist” mentality informed many of my attitudes about making a living.

When Max, who is gifted in math and science announced that he was no longer interested in studying cognitive science in college, but wanted to become a symphony percussionist I admit that my heart sank. My first thoughts were, oh no. what kind of poverty will he have to endure? Not only did he want to be a professional musician, but he was a percussionist, and how many percussionists does any one symphony have? How many available jobs worldwide does that make? Although I did not oppose him, I used it as an opportunity to talk about the necessity of being multi-skilled with more than one income stream. I admit that this response was not very “Yes”. But he ended up studying percussion at the Peabody Institute for two years before transferring to and graduating from The University of Virginia College of Music. He’s currently applying to the Baltimore City Teaching Residency where he hopes to teach music this Fall.

And when Charlie, equally talented in math and science, changed his mind about being a professor, where he could “entertain a captive audience”, and announced one day that he wanted to be a stand-up comedian, I just about died. Being a percussionist for a symphony where there are very few jobs was challenging enough. But I had never considered a pursuit in the arts that might be even more challenging than music. Rod and I talked with Charlie about this desire and, without shooting it down, told him that he had managed to pick a field of endeavor where successful practitioners could practically be counted on both hands. We encouraged him to pursue that passion while at the same time building a knowledge base in another area he was attracted to that could provide him a living. He has been a member of his school’s comedy improv troupe, the Ritalin Test Squad, for two years and has recently declared a dual major in Information Technology and Neuroscience with the intention of eventually working in the growing field of Artificial Intelligence. He’s even secured a paid position this summer working on a faculty member’s AI project that will also earn him academic credit!

As we say in the book, “Mean what you say”. I did not want to squash my children’s artistic passions, but I did need to learn to trust that they would be able to figure out how to pursue them, just as I have had to do with my own artistic dreams.

Countering or preempting behavioral problems

Marcy and I were discussing last night the prevalence of websites dedicated to helping parents deal with their children’s behavioral problems and those problem’s varying degrees of severity.

Certainly not all “behavioral problems” are traceable to parent/child relations. In our experience, which we share in our book, the foundational supports created through loving, respectful parent/child relationships can go a long way toward preempting common behavioral problems at every age. Isn’t it worth your short investment in time to learn how another loving couple raised two children who were free of common behavioral problems, rather than spending untold amounts of time, treasure and anguish trying to correct for these problems after they’ve manifested in your child’s life?

We are grateful to websites that help parents address these issues. But if you can create an environment that pre-empts behavioral problems…isn’t that worth a trying first?

Design and Style

When I was a freshman in high school, a particular shoe came into popularity. It was a Mary Jane, by Capezio, and they were made in every color of patent leather imaginable. They were the first to market with that style, and so they were unique. (Of course, this was in an era before the prevalence of counterfeit goods.) It was a “brand”, and it was more expensive than I was usually allowed to spend on shoes. I desperately wanted a pair.
I eventually was allowed to buy a similar shoe at a lesser price. Similar, but not the Capezio Mary Jane, not the same design. That’s when I realized that everybody had them because they were unique, they were new, they were the first. They had an elegant and daring line far from the simplicity of the good-for-your-feet shoes I had been wearing. I appreciated this shoe for it’s beautiful design, but I never did get a pair.

Kind, Gentle, Loving Calm…an expert’s confirmation

In our book, The Yes Child, I talk about a group of words that we came to rely on at a stressful period in our lives. Those words are Kind, Gentle, Loving, Calm. Camila Batmanghelidjh, a psychotherapist and founder of the children’s charity, Kids Company had this to say about calm in an article on the website Goop:

“What research shows is that in the presence of a caring companion, the calm from the caretaker’s brain can create calm in the child’s brain. Because their brain is not developed fully, very young children will need the adult consistently with them to help them manage emotions and energy. But as the brain develops, the capacity to calm down is “internalized.” The child carries the memories of this ability and can use it to soothe themselves when distressed because they remember how the parent did it.

Parents can’t be calm and gentle all the time. You will lose your temper, shout and scream and behave impatiently. But if you apologize and “own the problem” as yours, the child will feel they are not the bad one. They will learn resilience, which, in effect, is the ability to fix bad situations and get the good out of them or transform them into positive outcomes.

The best way to think about the parental task is like “banking care” so that your child can draw upon the resource when they need it.”

Dreaming in the “real world”

Yesterday, I saw a balloon that had been let go, and I watched it’s size diminish rapidly as it sailed quickly away from me. The red circle looked like a polka dot on the blue sky and it’s string looked like a silver thread, blinking the reflected sunlight. I thought of Max then, traveling about the northeast, checking in with us every so often.

Whereas our children used to be bound to us by the fat straps of infant carriers, they are now linked to us by seemingly delicate threads of energy. I think of them in varying degress of attachment with varying degress of slack in those lines.

A Port in a Storm

Max called me this morning from Baltimore where he is visiting friends.

“Mom, I think I lost my wallet.”

He described to me that he had been sleeping on a couch next to an open window on the ground floor of an apartment. He had looked in the obvious places and had retraced his thinking from the night before. He described that process to me as he thought about where he should put his wallet before he went to sleep. His voice sounded slightly panicky. I helped him think through the steps to take if he really couldn’t find it after looking further. I told him that sometimes I put things in a special place, and then can’t remember later where that special place is because it’s not the usual place. He knows this and he laughed.

“Look everywhere, and then call me back.”

At twenty-two and a recent college graduate, Max will still call me if he gets into a tumultuous place in his mind. He knows I will remain calm and that I will help him sort his thoughts out. I’m glad to be that “port in a storm” for him. And I completely believe that I am just serving as a calming agent and that all the processing and insight comes to him from inside himself. I can no longer rock my baby, but I can do this.

Yes, Yes, a Thousand Times Yes

My first child was born with his eyes wide open. For me to see that first moment, to greet him when he exited me and entered the world was priceless. In his face and in his eyes I saw, “Yes”.

There is nothing anyone can tell you that prepares you for the largeness of the feelings for your newborn. It’s force can be disorienting. It seems to have happened suddenly, but it starts even before conception when we wonder about the children we might have and we imagine ourselves with them. Our desire for them draws us to each other in an unimaginable way. Feeling like two magnets with attracting forces we think, “Don’t we have just the perfect children for us?”

Yes is an affirmation. Yes is a word of encouragement and possibility, a word of permission and of hope. It is a word of comfort and relief. Yes is a word that moves events ahead and gets out of the way. Yes requires you to explore who you are and to be yourself. Yes is all-inclusive. Yes is life.

Marcy’s poem-We began this life with magic

We began this life with magic

youth & music

adventure in our hearts

Bermuda bronzed, deadpan and immaculate love in our hearts like a liberation

and a plodding,

vague thirst for immortality

unquenchable New York!

myths of love

&

commerce, cool

Dustin held the door the adventure, the adventure! the desire

with love in our hearts like a liberation we became 3 a light

God in your eyes

Infinitely tranquil…immaculate

life giving-life changing

with love in our hearts…with love in our hearts…with love in our hearts…a liberation

a tactical retreat a nest two angels

mountain gods

the real work began with love in our hearts

pg. 449

with love in our hearts an adventure

there is only love love is all there is

there is only love in our hearts like a liberation

all ways & forever

4M