Arguing in front of your children…

I regularly follow a number of blogs and one of them has had a thread recently on “Arguing in front of your children”, a sort of pro or con discussion. When Marcy and I were first discussing getting married, because we had no idea what a loving relationship between the two of us would look like, we discussed the type of relationship we DIDN’T want to have. And one of the major points of agreement was that we didn’t want a relationship that was marked by a lot of arguing and loud disagreement. It never occurred to either of us to state that we didn’t want a relationship where hitting each other was OK, I guess because we both grew up in households where the idea of Mom and Dad taking swings at each other or throwing objects at each other simply never, ever occurred.
I would be less than forthright if I told you that there was never a loud word in our home, but I remembered how terrified I could be as a child of my father’s rage on those occasions when he gave voice to it and we both tried to parent with a great deal of empathy. But what I’ve become aware of is how very differently people feel about these things, and I’ve copied a post from another blog (which I responded to on that site) and have inserted my editorial comments for the sake of this posting in BOLD.

“I believe that to express anger in front of you kids is okay.” IT’S POSSIBLE TO FEEL MORE THAN ONE WAY ABOUT THIS…PLEASE PROCEED “As with so many human interactions, it is the way in which we go about dealing with the anger and disagreements that make the difference.” AH, I SENSE AN ENLIGHTENED MOMENT COMING ON…
“If my wife and I felt differently about something or one did something to upset the other, I would only openly discuss it with the kids around if we were able to do it as more of a debate, rather than a yelling match. We need to keep ourselves in check, even when angry, and perhaps doing so will teach our kids how to correctly express anger and disagreements.” WELL PUT, FULLY AGREED…

“At times, as naturally happens, when we will be throwing plates through the wall and swinging back hands at each other, we would avoid doing that in front of the kids.” WTF!!! “NATURALLY THROWING PLATES THROUGH THE WALL AND SWINGING BACKHANDS AT EACH OTHER”??!! “we would avoid doing that in front of the kids.” SO WHERE WOULD YOU DO IT, IF YOU COULDN’T “AVOID DOING THAT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS” ??? OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE? STARBUCKS? THE CHINA DEPARTMENT AT TARGETS?

I’ll drop the bolding now, but that was the end of this guy’s post and it just floored me!!! Marcy and I went through some extraordinarily stressful times, including a catastrophic business loss while our sons were young, and I can honestly tell this guy that the sorts of things he’s describing so casually here are tremendously terrifying and harmful for children to witness, for anyone for that matter. And the assumption that “as naturally happens, when we will be throwing plates through the wall and swinging back hands at each other, we would avoid doing that in front of the kids” is such a ready indication of a vast cultural difference that it’s almost insurmountable. It seems to contain the very seed of family violence…”my Dad beat my Mom so I’ll beat my wife and no one can stop me…or I’ll hit my kids if I feel like it.” Or it teaches that this sort of violence is OK in any situation, because that’s how Mom and Dad did it. So expect it in the school yard, on the playing field, in the office and on the job.
We wanted something different for our kids and the family mantra that Marcy developed in our most stressful times, “Kind, Gentle, Loving, Calm” helped focus us on our core values as a family. Marcy spent a good deal of time showing and teaching our sons appropriate ways to express anger, as she realized that this is a parent’s responsibility and that no one had ever instructed me in that matter. I continue to be amazed by things I read out there in the ether and I often wonder if I’m alone in this or not?