Parenting…begin with the end in mind.

I had a call from our oldest son, Max, a week ago asking if he could “spend the night” Saturday night. Sunday was his 23rd birthday and he knew we were having his favorite meal here, but the fact that he called to ask if he could spend the night with Marcy and me just really touched something in me that is reserved for very private feelings of joy. He lives just a few miles away in College Park but he and his gf are training for the Potomac marathon and they like to start their course near our apartment and drop down into Rock Creek Park, so it was easier to stay here and start the morning run and I of course said, “Yes.”

Marcy and I were talking about this later, how blessed we feel that both of our sons still want to spend time with us and that we all enjoy spending time together and it’s the direct result of our Yes Parenting style. What I would say now that I didn’t say in the book is to begin with the end in mind. The relationship that you have with your grown children is the same relationship you have with them when they’re small. Ours has been built on honest, respectful communication and shared joys we developed as we were all living together…a table set with our favorite nutritious foods, a good movie afterwords, meaningful conversation around events of the day, books read, ideas examined and discussed.

We were never parents who wanted to be our children’s best friends, but we wanted to be the best Mom and Dad we could be and support their realization of their true selves. And we enjoyed their company and intelligence and humor at every age, so I guess those things never change.

Trusting our children and letting go.

As someone trained in fine arts, I had a built in belief about the cliché of “the starving artist”. Regrettably, that “starving artist” mentality informed many of my attitudes about making a living.

When Max, who is gifted in math and science announced that he was no longer interested in studying cognitive science in college, but wanted to become a symphony percussionist I admit that my heart sank. My first thoughts were, oh no. what kind of poverty will he have to endure? Not only did he want to be a professional musician, but he was a percussionist, and how many percussionists does any one symphony have? How many available jobs worldwide does that make? Although I did not oppose him, I used it as an opportunity to talk about the necessity of being multi-skilled with more than one income stream. I admit that this response was not very “Yes”. But he ended up studying percussion at the Peabody Institute for two years before transferring to and graduating from The University of Virginia College of Music. He’s currently applying to the Baltimore City Teaching Residency where he hopes to teach music this Fall.

And when Charlie, equally talented in math and science, changed his mind about being a professor, where he could “entertain a captive audience”, and announced one day that he wanted to be a stand-up comedian, I just about died. Being a percussionist for a symphony where there are very few jobs was challenging enough. But I had never considered a pursuit in the arts that might be even more challenging than music. Rod and I talked with Charlie about this desire and, without shooting it down, told him that he had managed to pick a field of endeavor where successful practitioners could practically be counted on both hands. We encouraged him to pursue that passion while at the same time building a knowledge base in another area he was attracted to that could provide him a living. He has been a member of his school’s comedy improv troupe, the Ritalin Test Squad, for two years and has recently declared a dual major in Information Technology and Neuroscience with the intention of eventually working in the growing field of Artificial Intelligence. He’s even secured a paid position this summer working on a faculty member’s AI project that will also earn him academic credit!

As we say in the book, “Mean what you say”. I did not want to squash my children’s artistic passions, but I did need to learn to trust that they would be able to figure out how to pursue them, just as I have had to do with my own artistic dreams.

Countering or preempting behavioral problems

Marcy and I were discussing last night the prevalence of websites dedicated to helping parents deal with their children’s behavioral problems and those problem’s varying degrees of severity.

Certainly not all “behavioral problems” are traceable to parent/child relations. In our experience, which we share in our book, the foundational supports created through loving, respectful parent/child relationships can go a long way toward preempting common behavioral problems at every age. Isn’t it worth your short investment in time to learn how another loving couple raised two children who were free of common behavioral problems, rather than spending untold amounts of time, treasure and anguish trying to correct for these problems after they’ve manifested in your child’s life?

We are grateful to websites that help parents address these issues. But if you can create an environment that pre-empts behavioral problems…isn’t that worth a trying first?

Design and Style

When I was a freshman in high school, a particular shoe came into popularity. It was a Mary Jane, by Capezio, and they were made in every color of patent leather imaginable. They were the first to market with that style, and so they were unique. (Of course, this was in an era before the prevalence of counterfeit goods.) It was a “brand”, and it was more expensive than I was usually allowed to spend on shoes. I desperately wanted a pair.
I eventually was allowed to buy a similar shoe at a lesser price. Similar, but not the Capezio Mary Jane, not the same design. That’s when I realized that everybody had them because they were unique, they were new, they were the first. They had an elegant and daring line far from the simplicity of the good-for-your-feet shoes I had been wearing. I appreciated this shoe for it’s beautiful design, but I never did get a pair.

“A philosophy that nurtures the dreams of children!”

Three things occurred recently that have given me glad pause.

1st, my young friend Danny told me that he liked The Yes Child because it was a book about a child raising “philosophy” and not “child psychology.” My thought was, who in the hell reads about philosophy these days…or who reads books at all? But this was the whole point when Marcy and I set out to write The Yes Child…it’s a book written by real parents who field tested it in the real world. As we freely and readily admit, millions of people have raised and are raising great kids, but we deliberated over the conscious decisions we made and then wrote them down so they could be shared with anyone looking for this information/affirmation.

2nd, in a conversation with our great friend and creative adviser Karen Batchelor, Karen counseled us to “write in your own authentic voices when blogging.” This is exactly the approach we took when writing The Yes Child and I’ve no idea why we were struggling with it conceptually over our online writings…maybe just the awesomeness of this undertaking plus our relative newness to the online world and underdeveloped skills with all things internetery.

3rd, Carol Anderson, PhD, Professor of Psychiatry at UPMC and a highly respected leader in the child development field, said this in her review of the book; “Their philosophy of affirmation will serve as inspiration to parents committed to creating a family that nurtures the dreams of children!” How cool is that??? “…nurtures the dreams of children!” I’m blown away, and also less concerned about referring to TYC as a “philosophy.”

So thanks to Danny, Karen and Carol for your insights and inspirations…I’m floating in space!

Yeah! A “philosophy…that nurtures the dreams of children!” I’ll take that!!!

Oh, and another thing…

Relating to the previous post about a fabulous night of live music at the 930 Club last night…In a former lifetime I was the lead singer in the DC based new wave band Urban Verbs. We did two LPs for Warner Bros Records released in ‘80 and ‘81. The first LP had a song on it that was always my favorite, and if you care to you can see an early music video of the song, music produced by Brian Eno, on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tebluTKKTAQ Yes, that’s BE singing background vocals. We worked with Brian, Mike Thorne and Steve Lillywhite, among the greatest producers of all time. So when I talk about music being important to our family and relationship, it’s important that people know that this song was dedicated to Marcy Kayser on the first record…she didn’t become Marcy Kayser Frantz until the second record. But she was always the source of inspiration behind my best lyrics, at least the love songs.

Urban Verbs were Robert Goldstein-Guitars, Robin Rose-Synthesizers, Danny Frankel-Drums and Percussion, Linda France-Bass Guitar and Keyboards and Roddy Frantz- Vocals and Finger Pops

Marcy, music and me…our family’s beginnings

Marcy and I spent a really cool evening together last night listening to one of her favorite bands at the legendary 930 Club here in DC. We initially came together and fell in love around music and I realized how long it had been since just the two of us had done something like this. The band we heard may not be to everyone’s taste, but we both delighted in the massed guitar sound and psychedelic approach that they took to their songs…at one point they had five guitarists onstage, plus bass and drums; at other times four guitars, keyboards, bass and drums creating a mesmerizing sound unlike just about anything else out there today.
But the important thing was that it was just the two of us, the way our family started, enjoying something that was of elemental importance to both our souls.
It’s altogether too easy not to schedule times like this when we’re caught up in being a family and all the demands that entails, but I enjoyed last night more than any night I can recall in a long while and as I was watching Marcy, who looked radiant, watching the band I remembered that it was in circumstances not unlike this that I first fell in love with her. And last night I realized again that I had never stopped falling…
I am greatly blessed.

The Yes Dad, Part 1 (or in SEO speak: Advice for Dads)

My own father had an expression he used at times to let me know that he thought I was “alright.” He’d pronounce it in the car when it was just the two of us, or occasionally out of the blue for no reason that I could determine. He’d say, “Handsome boy, intelligent boy!” and it made me feel great until I eventually realized that this was the only compliment in his vocabulary, at which point it began to sound a bit stale. And I’m certain that someone, probably his mother, said the same thing to him often and it had great meaning for him. But his eyes and his mannerisms towards me so often conveyed love and approval that I never felt he was at all deficient in that regard (or really, in any meaningful regard).

So when I wanted to put Mr. Roger’s “I like you just the way you are” mantra into effect with my own children, I didn’t want to trot out some stale compliment from another era, I wanted something that was uniquely our own…and I made a little game out of it. I’d go into each boys room in the morning and say something like, “Have a told you today what a great kid you are?” or “Have I told you today how proud I am to be your father?” And you can play this game at night before bed, too. “Hey, did I forget to tell you today what a great kid you are?” This could be overdone and you want to watch that the phrasing doesn’t become rote, but my kids loved it and I think it contributed to giving them both confidence and positive self esteem.