New “HERO” Status

A few days ago I got a message on one of my social networking sites that really made my day! It read, “Rod Frantz is my HERO!” (no kidding).

The message was posted by one of my younger son’s friends, Daniel, someone that we had lost touch with in recent years and it just came out of the blue. I’ve no idea why Daniel posted that particular message, but it was a great boost to my day and got me thinking about the time I had spent with Daniel and Charlie when they were in middle school and both of them were mastering their skateboards.

We’ve always tried to enable our son’s interests and skateboarding was no exception, despite the misguided perception that existed at that time that all skateboarders were punks and juvenile delinquents. I viewed them as exquisite athletes who were trying to master an extremely demanding, almost Ballet-like discipline and who were able to make the streets and their built environment the playing fields for demonstrations of their athleticism and grace. On weekends I would volunteer to take these guys into downtown Pittsburgh where they loved to skate in a more urban setting and would always advise them, before they got out of the car, not to smart mouth the police should they be questioned, to answer questions politely and to remember three simple phrases; “Yes, Sir, No, Sir and May I go now, please?” I told them that if they were hassled by authorities they should call me on my cell phone immediately so that I, as an adult, could intercede on their behalf.

We lost touch with Daniel at some point during those years and I had always liked him…he was smart and witty and athletic in a non-traditional way, a charming, hugely likeable young guy and I am deeply honored to be considered his “HERO.”

Created versus Inherited Family Cultures

Marcy and I have been talking a lot about our recent realization that the Second Essential in our book The Yes Child, “Create Your Own Family Culture” is so prominent. Marcy observed that people have an “inherited family culture”, but can create a “unique family culture.” This is a subject we look forward to discussing and developing with our readers during our June book tour.

An inherited family culture would be a near total adoption of one of the family cultures that were found in the parents’ childhood homes, same political and social affiliations, same church membership etc or possibly a blending of the two cultures. Most of us create our unique family culture by blending inherited rituals and beliefs from our families of origin with new rituals and beliefs adapted while we create our lives with our mates and/or children. While some people adopt a culture in their adulthood that mimics the culture of their family of origin, we believe that the more conscientious route is to examine habits and beliefs and rituals and deliberately adopt or discard them in light of the affirmative culture one is creating within a Yes Family.

Kind, Gentle, Loving Calm…an expert’s confirmation

In our book, The Yes Child, I talk about a group of words that we came to rely on at a stressful period in our lives. Those words are Kind, Gentle, Loving, Calm. Camila Batmanghelidjh, a psychotherapist and founder of the children’s charity, Kids Company had this to say about calm in an article on the website Goop:

“What research shows is that in the presence of a caring companion, the calm from the caretaker’s brain can create calm in the child’s brain. Because their brain is not developed fully, very young children will need the adult consistently with them to help them manage emotions and energy. But as the brain develops, the capacity to calm down is “internalized.” The child carries the memories of this ability and can use it to soothe themselves when distressed because they remember how the parent did it.

Parents can’t be calm and gentle all the time. You will lose your temper, shout and scream and behave impatiently. But if you apologize and “own the problem” as yours, the child will feel they are not the bad one. They will learn resilience, which, in effect, is the ability to fix bad situations and get the good out of them or transform them into positive outcomes.

The best way to think about the parental task is like “banking care” so that your child can draw upon the resource when they need it.”

Decide, Declare, Act

Recently I was looking at some baby pictures of Charlie, and I remembered how much he made me laugh even if he was being challenging. In my reverie I also remembered how difficult it could be to realize I needed to take care of myself. It usually seemed that I had to be at my wit’s end to recognize what it was that I needed.

When my toddlers were at their wit’s end, I had to get the focus back onto myself and what I felt I needed, otherwise I was no good to my children in any way, shape or form.

It’s much easier to see in hindsight, of course: Realizing that I needed to stop talking and act. It wasn’t talking that they responded to anyway. It was my vibe, my certainty. If I didn’t attend to my needs of hunger or fatigue I couldn’t function well as a caretaker. I’ve come to believe that I couldn’t ruin my childen’s life by having my own needs, or by being ”imperfect” or even by sometimes losing my temper. I’ve come to realize that I had to be real, and being real included all the gory details of being an imperfect human being. I do remember sometimes babbling at a fussy, twisty-turny baby - I’m sorry, I love you to death, but I am at the end of my rope here and my patience has run out…I’m sorry I yelled - that’s what happens to everybody sometimes…You will survive this - You are so loved…I’m sorry that you are distressed…I am here and I love you, I just need to remove myself from you for a little while to regroup and rest…we both need to take a little nap… and we’ll see each other after that… I love you…

Then I had to stop talking and act, and KNOW that everything was okay and they were okay. The further I was from my own self-care, the harder it could be to decide, declare and act. But it usually was the absolutely best thing for them and me!

Dreaming in the “real world”

Yesterday, I saw a balloon that had been let go, and I watched it’s size diminish rapidly as it sailed quickly away from me. The red circle looked like a polka dot on the blue sky and it’s string looked like a silver thread, blinking the reflected sunlight. I thought of Max then, traveling about the northeast, checking in with us every so often.

Whereas our children used to be bound to us by the fat straps of infant carriers, they are now linked to us by seemingly delicate threads of energy. I think of them in varying degress of attachment with varying degress of slack in those lines.

A Port in a Storm

Max called me this morning from Baltimore where he is visiting friends.

“Mom, I think I lost my wallet.”

He described to me that he had been sleeping on a couch next to an open window on the ground floor of an apartment. He had looked in the obvious places and had retraced his thinking from the night before. He described that process to me as he thought about where he should put his wallet before he went to sleep. His voice sounded slightly panicky. I helped him think through the steps to take if he really couldn’t find it after looking further. I told him that sometimes I put things in a special place, and then can’t remember later where that special place is because it’s not the usual place. He knows this and he laughed.

“Look everywhere, and then call me back.”

At twenty-two and a recent college graduate, Max will still call me if he gets into a tumultuous place in his mind. He knows I will remain calm and that I will help him sort his thoughts out. I’m glad to be that “port in a storm” for him. And I completely believe that I am just serving as a calming agent and that all the processing and insight comes to him from inside himself. I can no longer rock my baby, but I can do this.

Yes, Yes, a Thousand Times Yes

My first child was born with his eyes wide open. For me to see that first moment, to greet him when he exited me and entered the world was priceless. In his face and in his eyes I saw, “Yes”.

There is nothing anyone can tell you that prepares you for the largeness of the feelings for your newborn. It’s force can be disorienting. It seems to have happened suddenly, but it starts even before conception when we wonder about the children we might have and we imagine ourselves with them. Our desire for them draws us to each other in an unimaginable way. Feeling like two magnets with attracting forces we think, “Don’t we have just the perfect children for us?”

Yes is an affirmation. Yes is a word of encouragement and possibility, a word of permission and of hope. It is a word of comfort and relief. Yes is a word that moves events ahead and gets out of the way. Yes requires you to explore who you are and to be yourself. Yes is all-inclusive. Yes is life.

Marcy’s poem-We began this life with magic

We began this life with magic

youth & music

adventure in our hearts

Bermuda bronzed, deadpan and immaculate love in our hearts like a liberation

and a plodding,

vague thirst for immortality

unquenchable New York!

myths of love

&

commerce, cool

Dustin held the door the adventure, the adventure! the desire

with love in our hearts like a liberation we became 3 a light

God in your eyes

Infinitely tranquil…immaculate

life giving-life changing

with love in our hearts…with love in our hearts…with love in our hearts…a liberation

a tactical retreat a nest two angels

mountain gods

the real work began with love in our hearts

pg. 449

with love in our hearts an adventure

there is only love love is all there is

there is only love in our hearts like a liberation

all ways & forever

4M